“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
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Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Just a bush.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?