@LurkAtHomeMom: I didn't have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
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@Rich_McCarthy: Check for bed bugs by yelling "Gee, I'm so happy there are no bed bugs here!", and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
@daemonic3: Alex: A ship that has sunk What is my relationship? Alex: No sorry tha- [glares at wife] I'll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
@JennyPentland: I'm teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there's no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
@causticbob: I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs. So far I've got 50,000 signatures.