I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
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Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
i will avenge u mr van gogh
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone