@joeljeffrey: I didnt know how to tell this guy at Home Depot his fly was down... and he didnt know how to say thanks when I tried to help him zip it up.
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@MatCro: [restaurant] ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It's my birthday WAITER: Your birthday? It's on the house ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
@longwall26: Review of "grandma": slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can't bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
@FattMernandez: Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
@kumailn: It's fine to eat chicken with skin but serve beef with skin and everybody just starts freaking out.