Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
You Might Also Like
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.