GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
You Might Also Like
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
I hate my earbuds.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit