‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
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Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
You got this…
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.