I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
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In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.