I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
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It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Coffee for people with no kids
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
HELP 😭
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.