If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
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Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Phones down.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Beware of fowl play.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her