@PanicRestroom: I didn't say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
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@karentozzi: Ten Ways To Tell If Your Kitchen Is Haunted: 1.) Flying forks 2.) Pre-fried eggs 3.) Fridge moaning/wailing 4-10.) Ghosts
@simoncholland: Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren't just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
@BobTheSuit: 911: Your emergency? -Karen asked me a question. 911: Not an emergency. -She asked if I could be more pacific. 911: Cars are on their way.
@Pork_Chop_Hair: When a kid is mean to my kid... (what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness (what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS