I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
You Might Also Like
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129