@PanicRestroom: I didn't say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
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@WilliamAder: My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
@djdarrellripley: After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it "the house"..
@roadkill3x: Don't waste your time going to the library looking for books on suicide..... no one ever brings them back.
@GABBYdaAngSaya: Her: Couldn't you have picked a better record to beat? Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There's no way this can end badly, Susan.