What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
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“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving