@jpbrammer: I didn’t see myself reflected in media until the 100 goats of mysterious origin appeared and started eating indiscriminately
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@Torriable: I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat And then I realized that he can't even afford A washer or a dryer
@KyleMcDowell86: Why do u wanna work at Burger King? *imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king* "I haven't taken my meds in weeks"
@Zombie_Kitv2: Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he's just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
@FunnyCauseImFat: At 1am I'm going to wake up my 2 year old by yelling his name and crying. Then, I'll crawl into his toddler bed. Let's see how he likes it.