I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
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Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain