I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
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Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
That’s classic.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?