I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
You Might Also Like
I was just discussing this with my cat
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
I gave up going to work for lent.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.