My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
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WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Born to be mild.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
me after drinking all the wine:
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.