I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
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Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.