I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
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What?!?
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
no refunds
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’