just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
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They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
my retirement plan is braless
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
There are no pants in heaven.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Cow it started Cow it’s going
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?