Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
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The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
don’t we all
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Monica just destroyed the internet