I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
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Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.