I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
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I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”