Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
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my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
This will never not be funny to me.