@JermHimselfish: I do a spot-on impression of a man in his 30's not living up to his full potential.
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@Book_Krazy: *sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can* ME: *goes to find hub* "You know what makes me mad?" HUB: *points to self*
@stephenjmolloy: Ian: It's done. Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice? I: What? MB: Like a restaurant. I: I killed him. MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
@TheBoydP: Me: Show me a pan that didn't get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak.. Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!