went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
You Might Also Like
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke