You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
You Might Also Like
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor