I hope Alan is OK
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Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait