@DevilryFun: I do my best speed walking when I'm trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
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@Barknado69: Amoeba: dad, how was I made? Amoeba Dad: well son, when a man loves himself very much
@GrantTanaka: Left work, txted wife "Coming homo." Then I txted her "Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo."
@AndyAsAdjective: I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
@Bandersnaaatch: There's a bird in the yard and she's shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.