I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
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PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
pls suprot
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.