I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
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There’s no “us” in nachos.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …