“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
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Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!