@IamEnidColeslaw: I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
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@Fred_Delicious: "IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???" [i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
@TedBundybitch: When I was younger I wanted to rule the world. Now I just want to spell words close enough that autocorrect can figure out what I'm saying
@stephenjmolloy: Wife: "Ian is coming over." Me: "Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?" Wife: "Ian- *pulls off mask* -who is good at disguises!"
@Pork_Chop_Hair: (Bedtime) Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it's what I'm here for. 9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit? Me: .... Just go to sleep.