I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
You Might Also Like
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Cause of death: Zumba
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies