I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
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ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.