@sarcasticmommy4: I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@DillDoes: *walking in forest* *tree falls and makes a loud noise* WOAH *tree gets up* *tree pull a knife on me* "You didn't hear SHIT" *tree runs off*
@HairyJew4Life: Filing taxes is so depressing. Do you own a home? No. Have a spouse? Not even close. Kids? Not that I know of. Enjoy your refund, loser
@Vodkantots: I bet if that Malaysian plane had stolen tweets, some of you guys would've found it already.
@marcia_bee: Coworker: I lost my phone. Me: WHAT? CW: I don't know where it is. M:*perplexed look* You're not glued to it like a NORMAL person? Freak!