@sarcasticmommy4: I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
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@pungodly: Apparently "I don't like scary movies," is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
@WilliamAder: Told my wife that Hooters is an owl rescue sanctuary where I'm doing important volunteer work.
@Underchilde: My girlfriend told me to “tread lightly.” So when I ran over her, I drove really slow.
@TheRolo: *Rides unicorn to work* *Gives Bigfoot hi-five* *Chats with mermaids* *Argues with Medusa* *Gets called in to HR* *Fails drug test*