I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
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The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Breaking news:
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Batman v Dracula
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.