I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
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doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?