I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
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I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
Kids, do not try this at home!
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun