I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
You Might Also Like
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*