I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
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When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Butt weight. There’s more!
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…