@abhorrent_wife: I don't always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
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@BoyfriendWhat: Him: "Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?" Me: "no." Him: "well, what kind of chips would you prefer?"
@robfee: Cons of being on The Walking Dead: Almost everyone you know is dead & the world is a desolate zombie wasteland Pros: No more Adobe updates!
@TheRolo: You guys talk about sex like it's so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
@Reverend_Scott: If I were a superhero, I'd be Pizza Man. My one-liners would be cheesy, and I'd save you in 30 min or less, or your next criminal is free.