I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
You Might Also Like
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later