@abhorrent_wife: I don't always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
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@AtticusFinch79: [meeting the parents] Dad: what do you think of Baroque? Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
@JennyJohnsonHi5: Hey guys. Stop touching your wife's pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
@rolldiggity: Whenever someone on a plane reclines their seat into you, pull them back even further and whisper in their ear, "Keep going."