May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
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{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July