me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
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A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
🤣🤣
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago