I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
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TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back