Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
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Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
i was baptized in a car wash
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
how many bears make up a bear minimum
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!