GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
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I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday