I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
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BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Actually cracking up @ this
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Beauty and the Beast
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”