I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
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If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed