I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
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Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
we’re gonna need another temp
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously