I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
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I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!