I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
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*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.