What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
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Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Best spoiler warning ever
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
my first dose meeting my second
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent