I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
You Might Also Like
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
me as a parent
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.