I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
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My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
A fake ID that makes you younger
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
pat pat
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Okay, I’m still confused…
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.