I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
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I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!